Opening Up a Dark Corner and Letting It Go.

Holy energy Batman!! I don't know what's going on, but I have TONS of energy! I haven't felt this good in a LONG time.  I think it has to do with when I was slightly depressed before I started.  I was being so hard on myself and didn't enjoy doing anything anymore.  So naturally, I just stayed home and wallowed in self pity.  In reality, I was being selfish.  Instead of focusing on what I have and the blessing God gave me, I was focusing on what he didn't give me and what I couldn't do.  A couple days before I started, I started looking at myself as a Christian and was very disappointed at what I saw.  I was full of hate for people who have hurt me deeply in the past, and I was negative about my life.  I started praying and asking God to forgive me for the way I was thinking and I change my way of thinking.  That Sunday my husband and I talked to the Pastor and asked about getting baptized together and decided we will get baptized next month.  The next morning is when I started my period.  Coincidence? I think not!  God wants us to praise him in our darkest hours and hardest struggles.  I realize that now.  He has his reasons for making all of us wait, even if we never understand why that may be.

When I was depressed, all I kept thinking about is what if I miscarried. What if I kept having miscarriages every time?  A few years ago, I took a pregnancy test because I was a few weeks late.  It was positive.  I was scared at the time because I knew my husband didn't want children any time soon and I didn't know how I was going to tell him.  I made an appointment to get a blood test to confirm it even though I had all the symtoms.  I knew I was, but I wanted the blood test for guaranteed proof for my husband before I told him.  The appointment wasn't for another week.  During that whole week of waiting, I was sick, had a constant migraine, and had really bad cramping.  I had a second hpt, because 2 comes in a box, and just before the appointment, I don't know why, I checked again.  This time is was negative.  I was so confused, but went to my appointment anyways.  The results came back and the doctor said that my body rejected the pregnancy and just absorbed it, I guess.  I never understood that explanation.  I ended up not telling my husband about that for a year. I don't know why I kept it from him.  My mom didn't even know about it until I went to visit her in North Carolina this past Easter.  Until right now, only 4 people knew about this. My husband, my mom, a friend, and that doctor.


For a long time I didn't understand why my body did that until I was diagnosed with Endometriosis.    There was nothing I did to cause it, and nothing I could have done to prevent it from happening.  The one mistake I made, then, was not putting God first in my life.  Instead, I ended up blaming Him and getting mad at Him.  I now praise him for giving my husband and I a chance to become closer in our marriage.  I mean, NOW he wants children, and we are closer than we've EVER been.  We are, also, closer to God, as a couple.  Maybe that's what God was waiting for.


Now, in the back corners of my mind, I still have a small fear that I won't be able to carry to full term.  What I NEED to do is lay all my worries and fears down and hand them over to God.  I don't need to worry about things that haven't happened yet or won't even happen.  I just need to focus on the present and taking care of myself right now.  I need to make sure that my body is the perfect and most welcoming environment to carry a child.  My heart is stronger than it use to be and, as far as I'm aware, my endo is at bay and my feminine health is the best it's ever been. God is going to bless me with something special and I just have to believe that it's going to be the most amazing experience of my life.  God is BEYOND amazing.  His love never fails and he know the the desires of my heart.  As long as I delight my self in the Lord, he will bring those desires to light.

Never give up. Your blessing could be just around the corner. :-)

I will continue to pray for all of you in hopes that your BFP will come one day soon and turn into a beautiful, chunky, bundle of joy. ;-)


Good luck and God Bless,
Ashley